In Memory of Lawrence Kutner
by Cattiechaos
Summary: A series of poems from various points of views on the subject of Kutner's suicide.
1. Liberation

**Liberation**

_the thoughts of Lawrence Kutner before his suicide_

There is something very cold

about this particular metal

pressed against the place

where all the inner mechanisms

of my mind

are kept.

There is a certain quiet

just like the calm before a storm

and the silence

before the beginning

of a great concerto.

I can't really picture

the great scene

with arcs of bold,

bright blood

splicing through the air.

Sheer

brilliance.

All the moments of my life

gathering

for this one.

_Author's Note: Kutner, you will be missed D: Why did you have to go that way? -mourns- This is one of a series of poems from various point of views of the cast._


	2. Wonder

**Wonder**

_The ponderings of Eric Foreman_

I know I will always wonder

if things would have been different

If only I hadn't

taken the wrong turn

waited on that traffic light

stopped for coffee

or stalled by the door.

I think it will always be

on the back of mind

if things could have been different

had I gotten there sooner.

I'm sorry I didn't.


	3. Ideas

**Ideas**

**Remy "13" Hadley has some realizations**

My first memory of you

is when you got fired

as Number 6

and you came back a minute later

with your card flipped over

so it read Number 9.

You had that brilliant idea

of getting the patient wasted

to test her liver function.

(Which was a really good idea. Just wanted to say.)

I thought you were loud, unusual

(and a little strange)

with an aptitude for recklessness.

(More than a little strange, actually.

You were freakishly eager to dig up that dead guy's grave

and I'd never heard someone sound so disappointed

when they realized the guy was buried backwards.)

When you put up Christmas garlands around the office

I told you House would kill you

but you did it anyways

with that goofy grin we'd all come to love.

I don't know if you know

(wherever you are)

but he's wearing your Secret Santa present.

The watch was a good idea.

(Not that it makes him any less late.)

I have begun to realize

that you had a lot of good ideas

and I just never told you.

So now you'll probably never know

and you'll go on thinking

that Remy "13" Hadley was the girl

without a heart.

I don't know if you know

(because who really knows anything when it comes to death?)

but I was the one who found you

in your apartment

with Foreman

and I'll never forget that great moment

when all the fear in the world welled up inside of me

and broke

something.

You'd think that the girl with Huntingtons'

would die before you.


	4. Smile

**Smile**

_Lisa Cuddy remembers how Kutner made her daughter smile._

Rachel wonders where you've gone.

There is something about the fragile innocence

of the baby in my arms.

I feel as if my blue eyes tell a lie,

as if I'm gazing at her in deceit,

because she doesn't know that you're gone.

Blissfully ignorant of your absence,

she plays in silence, wondering

where you've gone.

I know she misses you

because she doesn't smile as often

as she did when you were with her.

Maybe she didn't know your name,

but she knew you.

She knew your kindness, your trademark grin.

You used to make her laugh,

and her tiny hands would clap with delight

as you made a fool of yourself

just to see her smile.

You reminded me of House,

or at least, who he could have been

without the bitterness.

I think he could have been like you,

eccentric, eclectic Kutner.

I don't know where it all began

and you started dying

instead of living.


	5. Shatter

**Shatter**

_Robert Chase regrets_

Kutner, I killed a man, did you know?

Cameron found out and left me.

Oh yeah, we got married - last spring.

We were really in love then.

What would you have done about Dabala?

He was going to kill them all, Kutner,

all the 'cockroaches'.

Maybe seeing House play God so many times

made me think it was my turn.

So I killed him.

It sounds very cold when Cameron says it like that.

I saved a nation, and she martyred me for it.

I loved her.

I didn't know you very well, but when a man's lost all he has,

he starts thinking about what he never had.

And the people he never let into his life.

I wish I could have known you better,

because I only ever heard good things about you.

I think you would've made the right decision

whatever that may be.

It's 5 o'clock and I'm drinking alone --

that's very 'House' of me

because he is what I have become.


End file.
